We had the rosary for my mother today. I have been dreading this day for the longest time because it was to be a celebration of her life and a time to say goodbye and yet for me, it was just another experience where the appearance would be more than my reality.
No one would know what my experience of my mother was, and I don’t think it would be fair for anyone to know. As I listened to everyone else, they all shared the joy and laughter that she brought into their lives. No one else knew about all the pain and misery that she frequently wanted me to share with her. No one else knew about how lonely and desperate she felt sometimes. Everyone knew the appearance she presented to the world and yet no one shared anything of the reality of truly experiencing my mother.
We were asked at the end of the service to share an experience about her and I didn’t think I could, but when the time came, I found myself getting up. I shared one of her final wishes that showed what she was really like in that appearance of fun and joy. I think I did it because she did spread joy and laughter to others. There were parts of her I didn’t know. So maybe there’s more to her journey and I have to say goodbye to it all and let it go.
Before the service started, I knelt with her at her coffin. I told her that the love that she told me that she could never find had always been there. I told her it was all around her and that I hoped now that she was with God and a part of everything, she could finally see that love and know it was there. I told her that I forgave her and that I loved her. I always had and I always would. She never believed me when I told her that when she was alive, maybe her spirit can know that I mean it now. May she rest in peace. May she rest in love.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
